(no subject)

[lizzardgirl]

‘Aye, ‘tis a shame I was born so handsome,’ Will Darcy articulated in his perfectly modulated voice with his alluringly British accent. ‘Woe is me and all that.’
He and his best friend and secretary, Charlee Binglee, were making their way through the crowd that had gathered in front of Longbourn Ordinary School for Educationally Risky Students, just as every morning. Will’s group of loyal minions friends followed a few steps behind, as was only fitting.
‘No, sorry, he won’t be signing any breasts today,’ Charlee said and shoved aside a bunch of bare-breasted bonny beauties who were pointing their braless B-cup bounties at Will. ‘Sorry, but we’ve got a Latin examination to go to.’
The girls crumpled into heaps of tears at the dejection, but became alive again as Corny, Will’s cousin, handed them Will’s left-over chewing gum wrappers from the weekend. Janee Bennee, Charlee’s ravishingly handsome blonde girlfriend, who was as always astonishingly pretty in her pale pink chequered dress with seven crisp petticoats, handed out home-made cookies to the girls, some of whom had been camping in front of the school since two in the morning, in the hope of glimpsing their dark-haired, bare-chested hero.
At the entrance to the school, there was a commotion of a different sort. A small, thin girl with a very pretty voluminous bust and glossy brunette curls (although she had dyed some of them purple and blue), clad in very pretty pale pink combat pants and wearing a turquoise halter skirt that showed off her tanned back as well as her mauve bra, which looked very neat together with her bright green moccasins, was busy spraying a graffiti onto the school doors.
‘MY CALCULOOS TEACHER HAS BAT BREATH,’ Will could read there, and next to it, there was an anatomically correct drawing of a very fine piece of male genitalia.
‘Hey, whatcha lookin’ at, ye bleeding gobshite?’ Lizzy snapped at a freshman who was standing next to her, flabbergasted at the explicitness of the drawing. When the girl didn’t react, Lizzy shoved a fist into her stomach and the girl toppled over.
‘Gee, that Lizzy,’ Charlee said and shook his head, ‘she is a funny one, isn’t she?’
‘Oy, shit-face!’ Lizzy roared at Charlee, ‘what made you show your ugly arse here?’
‘Slizzy Lizzy!’ Corny shouted and ran to Lizzy, hugging her, ‘BFF 4evah!!!’
‘You bet, moron!’ Lizzy shouted and kissed Corny full on the mouth, shoving her pink tongue between his lips. Then, she took aim and kicked him firmly between the legs, making him collapse in pain.
Inside the school, Mrs Johnson, the P.E. teacher, was holding a large basket full with cupcakes.
‘W-will Darcy,’ she stammered, handing the basket to him, ‘I-it is and honour to be allowed to bake for you this week. P-please accept this humble gift -’
With a perfunctory slap on the teacher’s butt, Will accepted the gift and continued in his parade to his locker, all the while giving orders to Charlee.
‘Next, underwear, Charlee,’ he drawled in his perfectly crips British accent, ‘the ones you bought last week were not - I repeat not - acceptable. I will not wear pants with pigs on them, right? I specifically asked for cows.’
He dropped his trousers for illustrational purposes and showed a pair of perfectly tanned and waxed legs the top parts of which were hidden under a pair of yellow boxers with pigs on them.
Near them, a group of girls swooned, crashing into their lockers and knocking open their skulls.
‘Ooooh, blood!’ Lizzy sighed and her beautiful blue-green eyes sparkled with delight. The sight of the pleasure on her pretty freckled face and the way her adorable eyes with the thick layer of mascara around them gleamed suddenly made Will think his piggy boxers were too small on top of being fashionally inexcusable and he wanted to kiss her on her beautiful black lips.
‘Detention!’ roared the headmaster, whom no one had seen coming, and handcuffed Lizzy. Then he saw Will.
‘Oh, pardon me, Mr Darcy,’ he simpered, ‘didn’t see you standing there, so sorry, sir. Will you be needing anything, sir? Do you want to use my office for your afternoon rendezvous, sir?’
Will only nodded; the headmaster was not important enough to be actually spoken to.
‘That reminds me,’ he said to Charlee, ‘it is your turn to organise the girls this week, and I will have you know that the ones Corny brought last week were no good. I want a feisty one today, so you better work something out.’
Charlee made a note on his clipboard, then turned to Janee, who was walking behind him, her crisp petticoats rustling as she walked, her blonde hair piled in cute curls on top of her head and her feet looking absolutely divine in white leather pumps.
‘Janee,’ said Charlee and turned to his blonde girlfriend, ‘do you have Will’s lunch?’
‘There you are,’ Janee hummed and took a large paper bag out of her enormous basket, ‘spare ribs, fries in the shape of dildos, a packet of brand-name cookies and a can of Spam, as you said.’
Janee smiled at the boys and her pretty face became even more prettier as her beautiful blue eyes sparkled with laughter.
‘Okay, enough,’ Will said and held up a hand to indicate he did not want to hear adoring comments right now. ‘It’s bathroom time.’
The group took a right turn and nipped into the nearest boys’ loo, Janee of course waiting outside. In the loo, a pair of frightened freshmen was already waiting.
‘Your tissues, sir,’ said one of them, handing a box of kleenex to Will.
‘I have the magazines you ordered, Mr Darcy,’ said the other, ‘but I am afraid that the DVD-player broke, so you will not be able to play Naughty Nurses Nuzzling Nipples IX, like you usually do on Mondays.’
‘You mean I have to jerk off to the bleeding Playboy?’ Will roared and stamped his foot, almost toppling over because the pair of artfully torn jeans he had been wearing was still hanging around his ankles.
‘I - got you this, sir,’ the freshman mumbled and gingerly handed Will a magazine wrapped in brown paper.
Will ripped the paper off and perused the cover.
‘The Cosmo,’ he whistled, ‘including a special on having sex laying down. Very well, you are excused for once.’

‘Episcopus voster ibat in flumen‘ Mrs Cicero said in rapid Latin and hastily wrote the derivatives of ire and their endings in the plusquamperfect on the board, then continued to scribble down the subjunctive forms.
‘Est-ne in cuchina tua canis magnus?’ She shot at Will, who looked up flabbergasted; he had been busy admiring the way the shackles around her ankles accentuated Lizzy’s slim feet. As if she had known before that she would wear them today, she had had her nails painted in exactly the same silver shade as the shackles and the effect was mesmerising.
‘Frater meus uxorem duxit matrem meam‘ Will repeated fluently; being as smart as he was, Latin posed no problem to him, of course.
‘Oooh, blood,’ sighed Lizzy and watched the small brook of ruby-red blood cascading from the lily-white arm of her bench neighbour, whom she had just cut with her penknife.
‘In foro tauris nolet dormire!’ Mrs Cicero shouted but Lizzy only cackled madly at her and punched her other neighbour in the stomach, so that the girl toppled over and collapsed at Will’s feet. Will shoved her away with an expression of utter boredom, then held his foot out to Janee so she could wipe off the dirt that the girl’s clothing had left on them.
‘Detention!’ roared the headmaster and added another layer of shackles around Lizzy’s ankles, then chained her to her chair.
‘Take that, bastard,’ said Lizzy and punched him in the face so that he toppled over and collapsed at Will’s feet. Will shoved him away with an expression of utter boredom.
‘Gee, Lizzy is so funny, no?’ Charlee said and absent-mindedly rubbed his crotch.
‘Hands off!’ Janee shrieked and slapped Charlee on the crotch. ‘Don’t touch the thingie!!’
Chains rustled as Lizzy lost her balance and fell on the floor.
‘WHOOPS-the fucking-daisy!’ Lizzy shouted, then punched Charlee in the ankle, causing him to topple over and collapse at Will’s feet. Will shoved him away with an expression of utter boredom.
‘Detention!’ roared the headmaster and as he snapped his fingers, two security officers came and carried Lizzy on her chair into the headmaster’s office. Janee was running along, her seven white petticoats rustling, her white leather pumps clacking on the floor and her blonde curls bouncing elegantly on her head.
The security officers dropped down Lizzy’s chair, then hastily retreated because Lizzy had started to bite them.
‘Lizzy, dearest, are you out of your poor little mind again?’ Janee said and wiped Lizzy’s brow with a flowery embroidered handkerchief.
Lizzy wrestled her arms free and began to strangle Janee until Janee’s face went all blue and her swollen tongue lolled out of her mouth.
The door burst open.
‘Wicked!’ exclaimed Charlee at the sight of Janee’s unconscious form on the floor (as the door had opened, Lizzy had released Janee, who had toppled over and collapsed at Will’s feet. Will had shoved her away with an expression of utter boredom.).

‘Curling iron?’ Will snapped and Janee, still paler than usual, stepped over to him, her hands shaking slightly (but the paramedics had said she should be fine in a day or two). Will raised his arms while Janee curled his bangs so that Corny - freshly back for lunch break when the doctor had assured him there was no serious damage to his testicles - could spray him with deodorant while Charlee brushed his teeth. It was important, after all, that he look good when he entered the cafeteria for lunch break, even though he was already slightly annoyed at the thought of all the girls fawning at him yet again.
He entered the cafeteria in his usual manner, his upper torso bare, his muscles freshly oiled, his minions walking behind him. All over the large room, girls toppled over as they saw him, but he ignored them. He shoved aside those who were bold enough to step up to him, and squeezed the butts of the cute ones. Janee, walking behind him with her petticoats rustling and her blonde curls glistening in the pale neon light, as usual collected the knickers that were thrown at him - he would sell them on a Japanese website later, that way he had become immeasurably rich - whilst Charlee, clad in a red zipper sweat-jacket, a pair of blue denim jeans and orange sneakers, dealt with the stuffed animals and other rubbish.
‘Can I offer you a Nescafé Coffee, sir, Mr Darcy?’ Doris, the cafeteria lady, asked simpering, ‘or perhaps a bottle of Pepsi Cola? We also have Kellogg’s Cornflakes - or perhaps a bottle of Budweiser Beer?’
‘He’ll just have a can of spam,’ Corny said. ‘And a bottle of Heinz Ketchup with it.’
‘Thank you, thank you, ladies,’ Charlee said and made motions at the teenage mothers who wanted Will to kiss their babies, ‘only five babies per day, you know the rules.’
‘Right,’ said Will and slumped down gracefully into a chair, ‘now what’s next on -’
Just then, the cafeteria door burst open and a tall, tanned red-head clad from head to toe in orange spandex entered the room. She was drop-dead gorgeous, from her shiny sleek red hair down to her carefully polished dark green toenails and her beautiful body was wonderfully accentuated by the spandex suit.
‘Caroleene!’ Janee said and laughed.
Then, a second drop-dead gorgeous girl, with glamorously glistening golden hair and deliberately designer-made golden denim dress pants and a pale pink bustier barely belying the beautiful belly and bountiful bosom beneath it, entered the cafeteria.
‘Dshee!’ Janee said and laughed again.
‘Oy, skank,’ Lizzy shouted and threw The Very Hungry Caterpillar through the room. Will thought it remarkably how well she could throw - she hit Caroleene squarely between the eyes - considering her arms were still shackled to her chair.
Caroleene toppled over and collapsed at Will’s feet.
‘Oy, Lizzy!’ Will cried.
The hall fell silent. Everybody knew that Will never spoke to the plebs, and never spoke at all before he had had his spam.
‘Wannago Yool Ball?’ Will shouted.
Several girls fainted from the shock. They had never realised just how beautiful Will’s voice was, or how erotic the sound of his crisp British accent would be.
‘Eat dust, you blibbering goon!’ Lizzy shouted back and threw Do You Know How Much I Love You? across the room, hitting Will squarely between the eyes. Will toppled over and collapsed at his own feet.
‘Detention!’ roared the headmaster and five security officers sprung into action and threw a straightjacket on Lizzy, wearing thick rhino skin gloves so she could not bite them again.

I cannot believe you got the straightjacket again. The second time this month,’ Mr Bennee said with tears in his eyes. ‘I’m so proud of you, Lizzy!’
‘Eat my pants, dungbat,’ Lizzy roared and knocked him out with a swift movement of her head.
‘Have a slice of magic mushroom quiche,’ Mrs Bennet said. ‘I made it with Organic milk.’
Lizzy struggled and finally ripped off the straightjacket, revealing her ample cleavage in her turquoise v-necked halter top. The colour set off her tanned freckled skin very nicely and the mauve bra straps - Lizzy loved to be ‘non-comformist’ - were an ironic touch.
Lizzy set off for the cafeteria - she was late, but if she hurried up, she would make it for Will’s speech to the masses at the end of lunch break. She wondered whether she would be able to throw a Rosamunde Pilcher novel at Dshee Darcy or Caroleene Binglee. Or even - a secret fantasy of hers - directly into Will Darcy’s crotch. Even though she had to admit, although it pained her, that Will Darcy was rather appealing to her, sexually. She could not but note how his firm muscles tightly hugged his ribcage, how his skin glistened and glittered when it was freshly oiled before lunch hour and how soft his body looked (Janee had told her that she had the honour of being allowed to wax Will once a month - everywhere.).
‘Stop it,’ Lizzy said to herself and bit her hand until she drew blood, which she eagerly licked off. ‘Remember who you have sworn faithfulness to!’
She lifted up her top to reveal the tattoo of a white figure dressed in immaculate black, with amber eyes and an oozing sex-appeal.
A ribbon of parchment encircled the figure, reading ‘Edward Cullen - Lizzee Bennee - 4 eva & eva.’ It set off her tanned skin very nicely and made her belly look very flat and sexy.

‘Silence, please,’ Will said and tried to stand upright. His head was still hurting from the blow he’d received earlier, but he was determined to address the school, as he did every year at this time.
‘Now, I hate to address this issue,’ he began, ‘but it has been reported that some of you did not - I repeat, not - adhere to the locker picture rule. We have found drawings of a certain marble-bodied sucker in some girls’ lockers and also -’ Will lowered his voice - ‘copies of that book.’
He paused, scanning the audience, hoping to catch a guilty face, but all he caused was a couple of girls fainting.
‘We do not read that book here,’ Will hissed. ‘We are no fans of the marble sucker. Is that understood?’
The audience hang their heads in shame and nodded in unison.
‘Great,’ Will said, ‘now let’s move on to brighter topic. Those wanting to sign up for my used sport socks, contact Corny. All other appliances - baby signings, photo tattoos, etc. - please forward to Charlee. Used knickers, as ever, to the beautiful and adorably blonde Janee.’




Warning: Contains foul language and full frontal nudity. Also isn't finished yet.