More of The Other Fanfic
Sep. 7th, 2006 03:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lizzardgirlThis is a little piece of total and unrestricted silliness, taking place just after book 5. It's nonsense, basically.
It’s “Magical Jeopardy”!
A Television Studio somewhere in wizarding England.
VOICE (off-screen): Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to “Magical Jeopardy”!! And this is your host: Gilderoy Lockhart!!
LOCKHART (stepping on-screen): Thank you, thank you, it’s so great to be here- as I already said in my two new books Working with the Wireless and Bursting into Broadcasting!!!
But I don’t want to talk about that - here are my guests for this evening: She’s only sixteen, but achieved 132% in her O.W.L.s lately - welcome, Hermione Granger!!
Hermione enters, waving energetically.
He is already more than seventy years old, but claims that “blood and bones” have kept him young - welcome, Tom…
Lord Voldemort enters and looks disgusted at Hermione and Lockhart.
TOM (interrupting): I would prefer to be called “your Lordship”.
LOCKHART: Ah, well, aren’t we all a little bit vain? Here he is - His Lordship - Tom Riddle!!
And, last but not least, one of the pillars of our children’s education, Hogwart’s famous Potions Master - Severus Snape!!!
Snape enters with a particularly murderous look in his eyes.
SNAPE (to himself): …WHY Dumbledore had to send my name in…
LOCKHART: Welcome, welcome, you all!! It’s so nice to see you here - I’ll probably mention you in my new book!
Now, let’s have a look at the categories. And here they are - Number One: International Law. Number Two: The History of Hogwarts. Number Three: Great Wizards. Number Four: Gilderoy Lockhart. And Number Five: Potions.
And Severus - you are the lucky one who will choose the first category.
SEVERUS (with twisted lips): I can hardly await it.
LOCKHART: Now, what do you choose?
SEVERUS: I take stupid Potions for stupid one hundred. Although I bet that even my first-year students could answer what you call your questions. (to himself)… really don’t understand why Dumbledore had to…
LOCKHART (reads out): “This Potion creates a very positive feeling within the drinker.”
Tom presses his button.
TOM: What is the elixir of life?
LOCKHART: I’m sorry, that’s wrong. Why don’t you have a try yourself, Severus?
SEVERUS (boredly): What is the Draught of the Living Dead?
LOCKHART: I’m sorry, that’s wrong, too.
Meanwhile, Hermione jumps up and down with her hand in the air.
SNAPE (out of the corners of his mouth): You need to press the button, Miss Granger.
HERMIONE: What is a Love Potion?
LOCKHART: And that’s right! You choose the next category!
HERMIONE (in one breath): The History of Hogwarts for 300!
LOCKHART (reads out): “This ancient wizard left a particularly nasty snake in the Hogwarts sewages.”
Tom presses his button.
TOM: Who was my Granddad?
LOCKHART: I’m sorry, that’s wrong. Severus, why don’t you have a try?
SNAPE (mutters absently): …really don’t understand that man… the button,
Miss Granger…
HERMIONE: Who was Salazar Slytherin?
LOCKHART: And she’s right again (to the audience) she was my pupil!
You choose a category, Miss Granger.
HERMIONE (in one breath): International Law for 200!
LOCKHART (reads out): “This serious problem occurred just before the Quidditch World Cup.”
Tom presses his button.
TOM: Who was Frank Bryce?
LOCKHART: No, I’m sorry, that’s wrong again. Miss Granger?
HERMIONE: What is the difficulty with transportation?
LOCKHART: No, no points for you this time.
Hermione covers her face with her hands.
LOCKHART: Now, Severus, why don’t you simply try it?
SNAPE (sarcastically): What are cauldron leakages?
LOCKHART: And that’s correct!
A buzzing sound interrupts him.
LOCKHART: And now we’ve reached our final round! But let’s look at the points first: In the lead, Miss Granger with 400 points. In second place, Severus with 200 points. And in third place, Tom, with no points yet. But that can all change, for your final category is Great Wizards for 500. And here’s your answer:
(reads out): “He is the greatest living wizard.”
Write down your questions now!!
All candidates scribble hastily until a buzzing sound interrupts them.
LOCKHART: Now, let’s see what you’ve written. Tom, let’s see your question.
TOM (reads out): Who am I?
LOCKHART: No, I’m sorry. I secured the rights for that title. Severus, what did you write?
SNAPE (to himself)…what Dumbledore had in mind… (reads out reluctantly) Who is my boss after the end of the War?
LOCKHART: No, I’m sorry for you, Severus, you tried so very hard (to the audience) He was always a bit inferior to me…
Miss Granger, may we have your answer?
HERMIONE (in less than one breath): WhoisAlbusDumbledore?
LOCKHART: And that’s correct again!! And we have a new winner! Congratulations! I may even write about you in my new book, as soon as I have a title for it! And here are your winnings!!!
While Hermione and Lockhart celebrate Hermione’s winnings with the studio crowd, Snape disappears via the next chimney. Only Tom sits alone in a corner and eyes Hermione’s winnings enviously.
TOM (angrily): I really wanted that set of mahogany hair-brushes!!
A Television Studio somewhere in wizarding England.
VOICE (off-screen): Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to “Magical Jeopardy”!! And this is your host: Gilderoy Lockhart!!
LOCKHART (stepping on-screen): Thank you, thank you, it’s so great to be here- as I already said in my two new books Working with the Wireless and Bursting into Broadcasting!!!
But I don’t want to talk about that - here are my guests for this evening: She’s only sixteen, but achieved 132% in her O.W.L.s lately - welcome, Hermione Granger!!
Hermione enters, waving energetically.
He is already more than seventy years old, but claims that “blood and bones” have kept him young - welcome, Tom…
Lord Voldemort enters and looks disgusted at Hermione and Lockhart.
TOM (interrupting): I would prefer to be called “your Lordship”.
LOCKHART: Ah, well, aren’t we all a little bit vain? Here he is - His Lordship - Tom Riddle!!
And, last but not least, one of the pillars of our children’s education, Hogwart’s famous Potions Master - Severus Snape!!!
Snape enters with a particularly murderous look in his eyes.
SNAPE (to himself): …WHY Dumbledore had to send my name in…
LOCKHART: Welcome, welcome, you all!! It’s so nice to see you here - I’ll probably mention you in my new book!
Now, let’s have a look at the categories. And here they are - Number One: International Law. Number Two: The History of Hogwarts. Number Three: Great Wizards. Number Four: Gilderoy Lockhart. And Number Five: Potions.
And Severus - you are the lucky one who will choose the first category.
SEVERUS (with twisted lips): I can hardly await it.
LOCKHART: Now, what do you choose?
SEVERUS: I take stupid Potions for stupid one hundred. Although I bet that even my first-year students could answer what you call your questions. (to himself)… really don’t understand why Dumbledore had to…
LOCKHART (reads out): “This Potion creates a very positive feeling within the drinker.”
Tom presses his button.
TOM: What is the elixir of life?
LOCKHART: I’m sorry, that’s wrong. Why don’t you have a try yourself, Severus?
SEVERUS (boredly): What is the Draught of the Living Dead?
LOCKHART: I’m sorry, that’s wrong, too.
Meanwhile, Hermione jumps up and down with her hand in the air.
SNAPE (out of the corners of his mouth): You need to press the button, Miss Granger.
HERMIONE: What is a Love Potion?
LOCKHART: And that’s right! You choose the next category!
HERMIONE (in one breath): The History of Hogwarts for 300!
LOCKHART (reads out): “This ancient wizard left a particularly nasty snake in the Hogwarts sewages.”
Tom presses his button.
TOM: Who was my Granddad?
LOCKHART: I’m sorry, that’s wrong. Severus, why don’t you have a try?
SNAPE (mutters absently): …really don’t understand that man… the button,
Miss Granger…
HERMIONE: Who was Salazar Slytherin?
LOCKHART: And she’s right again (to the audience) she was my pupil!
You choose a category, Miss Granger.
HERMIONE (in one breath): International Law for 200!
LOCKHART (reads out): “This serious problem occurred just before the Quidditch World Cup.”
Tom presses his button.
TOM: Who was Frank Bryce?
LOCKHART: No, I’m sorry, that’s wrong again. Miss Granger?
HERMIONE: What is the difficulty with transportation?
LOCKHART: No, no points for you this time.
Hermione covers her face with her hands.
LOCKHART: Now, Severus, why don’t you simply try it?
SNAPE (sarcastically): What are cauldron leakages?
LOCKHART: And that’s correct!
A buzzing sound interrupts him.
LOCKHART: And now we’ve reached our final round! But let’s look at the points first: In the lead, Miss Granger with 400 points. In second place, Severus with 200 points. And in third place, Tom, with no points yet. But that can all change, for your final category is Great Wizards for 500. And here’s your answer:
(reads out): “He is the greatest living wizard.”
Write down your questions now!!
All candidates scribble hastily until a buzzing sound interrupts them.
LOCKHART: Now, let’s see what you’ve written. Tom, let’s see your question.
TOM (reads out): Who am I?
LOCKHART: No, I’m sorry. I secured the rights for that title. Severus, what did you write?
SNAPE (to himself)…what Dumbledore had in mind… (reads out reluctantly) Who is my boss after the end of the War?
LOCKHART: No, I’m sorry for you, Severus, you tried so very hard (to the audience) He was always a bit inferior to me…
Miss Granger, may we have your answer?
HERMIONE (in less than one breath): WhoisAlbusDumbledore?
LOCKHART: And that’s correct again!! And we have a new winner! Congratulations! I may even write about you in my new book, as soon as I have a title for it! And here are your winnings!!!
While Hermione and Lockhart celebrate Hermione’s winnings with the studio crowd, Snape disappears via the next chimney. Only Tom sits alone in a corner and eyes Hermione’s winnings enviously.
TOM (angrily): I really wanted that set of mahogany hair-brushes!!
